I gave my first attempt at hitting the slopes today since I jizzacked my knee skiing a good 8 years ago. This time, I figured I'd go with snowboarding, since fucking up your knee fucking sucks. Uhhhh it was so hard though.
My girlfriend and I started off taking a beginners lesson, which began OK. We went down this gay little hill doing turns and stuff, and it was pretty easy. But, since we were going down near a bank, we could only turn one direction. Turning right, no problem. Turning left, big problem.
So then the instructor takes us to this steeper slope and tries to show us how to slide down with the board perpendicular to downwards, to use the board to control your speed or whatever. That didn't happen. There was no way I could even get my fat ass to stand up on the board on that slope. After 5 minutes, the instructor gives up and takes us to the lift.
The lift is this little 2-seater deal with no fucking bar or anything to secure you. It's just a seat and my fucking snowboard dangling below me on one foot, pulling me pulling. So I'm fucking shitting myself because we're fucking 30 feet above the ground. I'm fucking closing my eyes and holding on to the side of the lift saying, "fuck shit fuck this sucks fuck get me off what the fuck this was a stupid idiot fuck this shit..." the whole time.
Finally, we get to the end of the lift and I, uhhhh, try to prepare to get off. I'm still shitting myself though and I have no fucking idea how to get off the lift. The lift gets to the top, I push out of my seat... I'm not sure if the board ever touched the ground. I went from on the chair to on my face, instantly. They stop the lift and everyone watches as I try to crawl on my stomach to get the hell out of the way. So fucking smooth.
Then the instructor gets off behind us and asks how it went. "Uhhhh, not so good, sir." Then he starts trying to show us how to ride down. My legs are shaking so fucking hard from shitting myself on the lift that I can barely stand up.
So we start going down, but I can only turn on direction--right. So I turn right, turn right some more, keeping turning right, until I stop, perpendicular to the slope. Not to bad. Then my board starts going to the left, backwards. "Shit shit shit fuck shit fuck me..." I start hauling ass going backwards for the very first time. I get down right in front of the instructor, with my girlfriend standing next to him, going way too fast. I try to turn or something and stop, and I catch an edge and immediately pop into to the air and do a double monkey flip or some shit, and land hard on my ass. Really fucking smooth. The instructor laughs, that cocksucker, and my girlfriend shakes her head.
We manage to get down the rest of the way without jacking myself too much, with the lesson running over by a half hour because it takes me and my clumsy ass so damn long. We go take a break and have some lunch, etc.
After launch, my girlfriend and I decide to stay off the lift and go back over to the bunny slope area, so we can practice our slow gay turns without further jacking. We go down, and then decide to take the "magic carpet" lift back up, which is one of those rope things that drag you up the slope. Beats walking, right? So I get on first, with my girlfriend on the rope handle thingie right behind me. Immediately, I sense impending danger. Riding the fucking "magic carpet" on a snowboard is fucking impossible. The shit is all uneven and lumpy and the board keeps getting pulled into grooves, and I can barely hold on to the handle thingie. We get up about halfway, and my board gets caught in a groove and I go down hard, trying to hold on to the rope to keep myself from eating more snow. It doesn't work, I go down and release the rope, letting it snap back up. I manage to get myself up quickly and grab on to the next handle on the rope. "OK, saved my ass that time," I think to myself. Then I realize that the handle I'm holding on to was the same one my girlfriend was formerly holding on to. I turn around and all I see is her in a snowbank with her board sticking up in the air. Hahaha. Oops. Sorry about that. My fall and jarring of the rope caused her to lose it and threw her into the snowbank. I get up to the top, do my crawl away from the rope, and attempt to ride back down to see if she's OK and not too pissed. I get there, try to stop, fail miserably, almost take out another instructor and collapse in a heap next to my girlfriend. I blame "that fucking magic carpet" for the disaster on it, and decide that we (or really I) have done enough damage for one day and to call it quits.
Now I'm back home and can barely fucking move. My knees are sore and bruised to all hell--I guess they don't make a very effective brake on wet packed snow and ice, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And so ends my day at the slopes.